Tuesday, February 26, 2008

How to Lose This Gal in Ten Words or Less

I just read yet another article on what not to say to a woman. They always crack me up. ‘Don’t tell her she’s fat.’ Uh, don’t tell anyone they’re fat, dude. Anyway, in the spirit of the ongoing list I’ve been creating of what I’m looking for in a partner (working title-‘Why I’ll Always Be Single’), here are a few suggestions of ‘Things To Never, EVER Say to JK'. These are actual quotes from actual men I’ve dated/encountered, albeit briefly. Very briefly, in most cases:

1. ‘Don’t you just love American Idol?’
I didn’t stick around to see if this was a joke.

2. ‘I love Italian food, too! Olive Garden is my favorite restaurant.’
Other disqualifications: Mexican:Cozymel’s, Chinese: Anything with ‘Wok’ in the name, and the mere mention of a buffet.

3. ‘Subtitles? You mean I have to think AND read?’
Well, can you?

4. ‘You should have worn something tighter.’

5. ‘So you wouldn’t get boobs even if I bought them for you?’
No, and even if I did, I still wouldn’t let you touch them.

6. ‘Why do you change your hair so much. Other women don’t.’
It’s my one vain thing. I get ready in 30-45 minutes tops, start to finish. Leave me alone.

7. ‘I’m glad you aren’t the kind of girl who likes flowers.’
I am, actually.

8. (After I’ve cooked dinner) ‘This is good. But you should taste my Mom’s.’
Then let your mom cook it for you, Mr. Ungrateful.

9. (After I’ve declined ice cream…which I simply don’t care for) ‘You really should eat. You need some fat on top of that muscle so you can be more feminine.'

10. ‘I don’t really read.’
Well, as they say, ‘See ya in the funny pages.’ Or, in this case, maybe not.

11. ‘All girls say SAY they like sports, but none of them really understand them. No way.’
No comment. I'm not going to embarrass you.

12. ‘I’m not really an SEC fan. But if I rooted for any SEC team it would be Alabama.’
Runs screaming.

13. ‘You look pretty good for someone that old.’
And you look pretty good for someone that’s about to be alone.

14. ‘You don’t really ever think you’ll meet someone, do you?
Sits in silent dismay.

15. ‘I don’t really watch football.’
Well, good thing for you, your Saturdays will still be free!

And the worst…

16. ‘I don’t get it.’