Thursday, February 28, 2008

America's Next Top Model, Episode 2

Another Wednesday, another Top Model installment! The girls have all been brought to New York City in what I can only imagine is the hope that the city makes them look more like models. Don't see it happening, ya'll. This group is the most in need of a makeover I've ever seen. When is that episode? My observations:

That Dominique? She looks like she would cut a bitch. I miss Jaslene...she was a kinder, gentler tranny.

*There is a TGIFriday's commercial promoting some menu items that are piled with meat, cheese, and God knows what else, with a dipping sauce on the side. I sincerely hope those items come with a coupon for an angioplasty.

These girls have seriously got to stop squealing. Some of them are freaking 24 years old! 'Here's a tube with a message from Tyra'. *Screams* 'Here's directions to the loft' *Screams* 'Here's the beds' *Screams* You get the picture. It is already on my last nerve.

Some of the girls go out for a smoke in clear defiance of the no-smoking symbols emblazoned on the frosted glass doors. How very chic. Kim, she of the scrunched-up face, is all, 'But, like, when I need one, I just, like, need one, and, like, have to have it right, like, then.' If there is a God, she'll be gone tonight.

Fatima is a biyotch. She's gonna ride that female circumcision train all the way from Somalia to the top...verbally bitch-slap you, then cry 'I can't have sex with men!' Mark it down.

They are in Times Square!*Screams* The Jays are there with Badgely and Mischka of Badgely Mischka *Screams*. Oh my God, real designers I've heard of! Not like those wannabes in L.A. Ooooh, they are brave. These gals are going to wear their clothes in a fashion show right in the middle of Times Square. *Screams* Obviously, they haven't seen these chicks walk. Tyra(nt) better say goodbye to the free swag after this debacle. The girls are predictably awful. But, it is only the second episode. And Scrunch-Face Kim is complaining about how much the clothes cost, and that she just doesn't agree with it. Hmmm. Defiantly smoking, saying she's not into fashion...I sense some editorial foreboding going on here.

Weird Amis (formerly Amy), is talking about her looks. 'I'm a ragamuffin,' she states, all wild-eyed. You go, Oliver Twist.

Fatima and Marvita are so going to duke it out soon. Those names do seem a perfect bill for some Foxy Boxing, right? Fatima, the Somalian Samurai vs. Marvita, the San Francisco Treat! I'd watch it. And the loser has to fight Dominique. Now THAT's scary.

Paulina Porizkova is here! She is the new Twiggy this season, who was the new Janice Dickinson the last couple of seasons. The girls all go to the Elite modeling agency *Screams* for critiques. Paulina is going to rock...she doesn't mince words, a la Janice, but with 85% less plastic surgery and 100% less crazy. She lets the girls have it- Weird Amis has bad skin (most of them do, actually). And I am dying...she just told Dominique she looks like a transvestite. You go, my sister in snark. Poor Dominique has evidently not been told that least to her face. Heh.

Marvita is going to be so, so quotable. My faves from this episode, both referencing Fatima:

'This ho is trippin'

'Ive never met a mean African except for you.' Guess she never ran into Idi Amin.

God, those 2 are killing me softly with their verbal sparring.

Photoshoot! *Screams* The girls meet Tyra(nt) and she solemnly tells them about an organization they will be working with that help homeless youth reach their goals. Worthy cause, good for you, Tyra(nt). She should have stopped right there. Oh, but wait...there's more. Not only does she shamelessly plug her show, she then tells them they will be posing as homeless people. In designer clothes. What's next...posing as amputees to spotlight disability issues? Ugh. Not feeling it.

Dominique is getting her makeup done; the makeup artist is telling her she is beautiful. She tells him Paulina said she looked like a drag queen, and he looks at her like, 'Duh!' Then, he says people mistake him for a woman all the time, too. Heh. Love him, he needs his own show.

Fatima fake makes up with Marvita. Watch your back, Marvita. That foxy boxing match is still on in the Somalian's head.

Panel time! *Screams* Ms. Jay is all bedazzled...his panel schtick this season is to wear a vest that has all the gals' names on it in jeweled letters. Then, when they are voted off, he will dramatically rip off their names. I love that queen. He also calls Dominique draglicious.

Scrunch-Face Kim tells Tyra(nt) she doesn't like fashion. Tyra(nt)'s head spins around a la The Exorcist, Paulina and Nigel are agape, and Ms. Jay clutches her pearls and swoons. Bu-bye, Scrunch-Face. (How 'bout that editorial foreboding, eh?) Enjoy your destiny of being a chain-smoking bank teller in Worcester, Mass.

It's down to Weird Amis and the chick that is so bland no one remembers her name. Weird Amis needs to invest in a bra...not pretty. Anyway, the Oliver Twist thing is still working for Amis, she stays and hopefully goes to wash her face.

Next week, makeovers! *Screams* Thank God...these girls are wrecked.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Take This Job and Love It

Obviously, some jobs are better than others. I'd rather be selling construction materials than, say, bottled water. What are you going to say, that my water is wetter? More clear? Less taste? That's got to be a tough sell. Here is my list of what I believe to be the best jobs:

1. Meteorologist- You don't even have to be right. I mean, many days is your forecast actually right? Maybe it's a Southern thing, but I'm going with 'hardly ever'. Plus, when have you ever heard of a meteorologist getting fired for being wrong? Maybe for a dearth of personality, lack of camera presence, bad wardrobe...but never for being wrong. How many of us could stay on the job being wrong most of the time? I rest my case.

2. ESPN Personality- Again, you don't even have to be right. You don't have to be polite, pertinent, make valid points, research, or know anything about your subject. You just have to be loud. REAL loud. Loud enough to drown out the other guy. Then, evidently, you win!

3. Being Tilda Swinton. She's bullet-proof. Seriously.

4. Maxim Music Critic- You don't even have to listen to the whole album, just a couple of advance, unedited singles. Then, give the album an arbitrary rating and sufficiently pretentious review. Where do I sign up?

5. My Ex-Husband- Oh, to be absolutely right, absolutely 100% of the time. Must be heaven.

6. Katherine Heigl's Hair Stylist- Evidently, these days she is embracing the Harried, Hurried Suburban Mom look. All you have to do is throw some hot rollers on her head in no particular order, and off she goes! She's late, ya'll, and it's her day for snacks at ballet.

Knee-Deep in the Hoop-blog 2/27/08

I haven't watched quite as much hoops in the last couple of weeks as I usually do, but I do have a couple of observations:

1. Memphis was so ripe to be taken down. I took my boys to Memphis on the Saturday of the big Memphis/Tennessee game. We saw a movie (U2 in 3D- totally boss, check it out), ate lots of good food and watched some hoops; not Memphis, I absolutely would have sold those tickets. We also went for the pre-game atmosphere; being a total sports geek, I love the buildup as much as the event. The city was everywhere, good-natured (at least early) jabs between the 2 sets of fans, and more than one (in retrospect) unfortunate tribute to the Tigers shaved in goofy white boys' heads. This is the same city that lets out a collective yawn over their NBA team, the Grizzlies. I had no doubt they would lose, it was sadly inevitable.

2. It was during this game that Bruce Pearl officially became one of the most annoying characters in all of sports to me. His interview going into halftime with Erin Andrews was more of an ESPN audition tape (now, with more groping!). He is so self-important and full of himself...he loves to hear himself talk. Digger Phelps- watch out, he's after your job. He's already got the questionable fashion sense down pat.

3. We watched my beloved Mississippi State Bulldogs actually pull out a road win over South Carolina in overtime. They are more than talented enough to beat South Carolina (who is mediocre at best), but this was exactly the kind of game they generally tank. Arkansas had lost earlier, State had the chance to extend their lead in the SEC West and guarantee a first-round bye in the SEC Tournament. I had no doubt they would blow it. But, oh-me-of-little-faith, Ben Hansborough (Tyler's little bro) was fouled on a last second 3 pointer that would tie the game. He then sunk all 3 free throws to send the game to OT, and the Dawgs never looked back. I'm still stunned.

4. Second least surprising outcome of a game in the last week- Newly minted #1 Tennessee gets taken out by Vanderbilt. Nothing to say except that it couldn't happen to a nicer guy in a hideous orange jacket.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

How to Lose This Gal in Ten Words or Less

I just read yet another article on what not to say to a woman. They always crack me up. ‘Don’t tell her she’s fat.’ Uh, don’t tell anyone they’re fat, dude. Anyway, in the spirit of the ongoing list I’ve been creating of what I’m looking for in a partner (working title-‘Why I’ll Always Be Single’), here are a few suggestions of ‘Things To Never, EVER Say to JK'. These are actual quotes from actual men I’ve dated/encountered, albeit briefly. Very briefly, in most cases:

1. ‘Don’t you just love American Idol?’
I didn’t stick around to see if this was a joke.

2. ‘I love Italian food, too! Olive Garden is my favorite restaurant.’
Other disqualifications: Mexican:Cozymel’s, Chinese: Anything with ‘Wok’ in the name, and the mere mention of a buffet.

3. ‘Subtitles? You mean I have to think AND read?’
Well, can you?

4. ‘You should have worn something tighter.’

5. ‘So you wouldn’t get boobs even if I bought them for you?’
No, and even if I did, I still wouldn’t let you touch them.

6. ‘Why do you change your hair so much. Other women don’t.’
It’s my one vain thing. I get ready in 30-45 minutes tops, start to finish. Leave me alone.

7. ‘I’m glad you aren’t the kind of girl who likes flowers.’
I am, actually.

8. (After I’ve cooked dinner) ‘This is good. But you should taste my Mom’s.’
Then let your mom cook it for you, Mr. Ungrateful.

9. (After I’ve declined ice cream…which I simply don’t care for) ‘You really should eat. You need some fat on top of that muscle so you can be more feminine.'

10. ‘I don’t really read.’
Well, as they say, ‘See ya in the funny pages.’ Or, in this case, maybe not.

11. ‘All girls say SAY they like sports, but none of them really understand them. No way.’
No comment. I'm not going to embarrass you.

12. ‘I’m not really an SEC fan. But if I rooted for any SEC team it would be Alabama.’
Runs screaming.

13. ‘You look pretty good for someone that old.’
And you look pretty good for someone that’s about to be alone.

14. ‘You don’t really ever think you’ll meet someone, do you?
Sits in silent dismay.

15. ‘I don’t really watch football.’
Well, good thing for you, your Saturdays will still be free!

And the worst…

16. ‘I don’t get it.’

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Big 'O's

I am one of the few people who was actually interested in the Academy Awards this year, since I had actually seen most of the films. Not just 'Juno'. Things I found of interest:

Of course, what will be referred to from now on as the 'Gary Busey Incident'. Seriously, if you are going to invite someone with major head trauma and a history of crazy, shouldn't you have a guard standing by? Like Ryan Seacrest was going to do anything. Jennifer Garner handled herself well and I already loved Laura Linney, now I love her more for coming to Jennifer's rescue while Ms. Seacrest did nothing.

John Travolta and his spray-on hair. Oh. My. God. I was howling...someone has been staying up too late watching infomercials. I'm just surprised he didn't stroll the red carpet wearing Blue Blockers shades.

Helen Mirren was even more awesome and stunning than usual...perfection. Millions of gay men exploded in a cloud of glitter and confetti when she appeared.

I have a new female crush, (I've only ever had one other one, Angelina Jolie), Marion Cotillard. I just watched 'La Vie En Rose', and immediately wanted to move to Paris and smoke cigarettes while listening to Edith Piaf. She was amazing. And Marion Cotillard is, in my teenage son's word(s), 'Hhhhhot'. She was so gorgeous on the red carpet, yet was able to be such a crippled little creature in the movie. Unbelievable. And I don't know who that idiot was that ABC had on the carpet, but I'd have given a huge amount of money for Marion to light a cigarette and say, 'You stoopeed American cow...I know you did not see my feelm. It is not possible that you can read.' That would have been boss. But, she was polite and charming. I was happy she won, even over Laura Linney.

I still can't believe 3 songs from 'Enchanted' were nominated, and only one from 'Once' and none from 'Into the Wild'. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I was soooo happy when 'Once' won, though. And Jon Stewart gets major props from me for letting Marketa Irglova speak. Totally boss.

One of the most interesting stories of the night was Tilda Swinton. This chick makes whatever movie she wants to make, and is loved. Lives with an artist, Robert Byrne, who is supposed to be brilliant. They have twins together. She then brings home this young hottie to have a little fun with, and old Robert seems to be okay with it. They are all living as one big happy family. So, she has a great career, one intellectually stimulating partner, one smokin' hot boy toy, kids, the balls to make fun of Clooney at the Oscars, and the gays worship her even though she wore a frock that looked like someone pulled some drapes off a Tim Burton movie set and threw it on her. She probably could even wear Crocs* and they'd love her. Who says a woman can't have it all these days.

*Crocs- the single worst thing to happen to fashion in the last decade. Even worse than Uggs.

I adore Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and was happy to see him win an Independent Spirit Award for 'The Savages'. He didn't seem as grouchy as usual. He and Laura Linney were absolutely terrific in that movie. I also loved him in 'Before the Devil Knows You're Dead'. I didn't see 'Charlie Wilson's War', so I can't speak to his performance in it, even though I'm sure he was awesome. I had to skip that movie, it falls under the 'Julia Roberts Codicile' in my movie-viewing guidelines. That being, that I really heartily dislike Julia Roberts and refuse to watch any movie in which she appears except 'Notting Hill'. So, sorry, Phil.

Renee Zellweger always has the same look on her face- she squints her eyes and purses her lips. Bless her heart, if she would have opened her eyes, she might have noticed she was marrying a repressed, balding homosexual who always wears cutoff T's and too-tight blue jeans. She must not hang out at too many gay bars. Or gyms.

I give Miley Cyrus 18 months or less until she's downing shots and snorting lines at Hyde. Mark it down. Plus, what in the world was she doing there?

Rebecca Miller (Daniel Day-Lewis' wife) reminded me of another interesting story that got practically zero press last year. It came out that her father, Arthur Miller, had a son with Down Syndrome that he forced their mother to institutionalize and pretty much ignored him his entire life. Miller didn't acknowledge him until after his own death, in his will. Fascinating read...was in 'Vanity Fair'. Not really Oscar-related, but interesting.

Hilary Swank is a fine little filly. I know her trainer is proud.

And, speaking of horses, finally, everyone is complaining about the horses in 'Michael Clayton'. Was I the only one who made the connection, tenuous as it was? Huh.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

America's Next Top Model- Premiere

It's America's Next Top Model, ya'll! I just heart this show...nothing does my heart more good than to see perfectly average gals embarrass themselves on TV thinking they can be a 'Top Model'. But, you know, since the last few winners have mainly been known for appearing on reality shows, in Playboy, music videos and Meow Mix promo events, who knows...if that's your dream, you go for it! Maybe I can be a Top Model, too!

A few thoughts:

1. Okay, so Marvita is this season's 'Victim of Rape/Abuse Who Auditioned Last Year But Didn't Make It'. Year before last's version, Jaslene the seemingly hearing-impaired transvestite, won. Marvita has the same Ghetto I'm-Gonna-Git-U-Sucka vibe that Brandy did last season. I loved that magenta-banged biyotch. Let the cat fights begin!

2. They had the finalists (well, not the final finalists) all dress in schoolgirl uniforms. If I didn't know better, I'd think straight people were writing this show. Must have been Nigel Barker's input.

3. I wish I had a screen cap of the crowd of girls when the 2 Jays walked out...this gal's eyes ROLLED BACK IN HER HEAD she was so excited. I thought she was going to swoon. She then said, 'Mr. Jay is FINE...I don't think ya'll understand.' Uh, Mr. Jay is short, orange, has freaky whitish hair and is, *cough*, GAY! If not, he needs his man-card taken for shopping via International Male. But, I'm gonna give him some Southern love...he brought the snark last season, and continued last night. By the by, I kept notes...the almost-fainter was Jennifer...24 years old, delusional and destined to a sexless marriage. She didn't make the cut. Ya think?

4. Okay, I'm seriously starting to hate the Tyra(nt). Modeling is supposed to be about impossibly beautiful women wearing unaffordable clothes and making it all look unattainable. Am I right? And she shows up in that bad wig and worse slapstick routine? Bitch, please. She's ruining all that is good and holy about fashion. Now I must go put my hand on my lastest issue of Vogue and pray. At least I can leave the part out about one of these scrubs ending up on the pages...not happening, my friend.

5. For the most part, they all have bad skin. I mean BAD skin...visible acne. What? You couldn't find some cute girls by the Clearasil in Target? They seriously need better scouts.

6. I love, love, love me some Ms. Jay. No snark...seriously. My teenage son is really concerned about how much I love that queen.

7. Finally, there was so much squealing and bouncing in this video, I wasn't sure if I was watching 'America's Next Top (Boat) Model' or a 'Girl's Gone Wild' open call. Geez, get a hold of yourselves. You are this pumped up about getting some free Cover Girl mascara? 'Cuz you know most of you aren't making any scratch off this.

That's the premiere ep, ya'll. (Cue the music) 'It's the hap-happiest time...of the year...'

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

No Sushi for Me, Thanks. Ever Again.

Being a parent is hard doubt about it. There are no hard and fast rules, no one-size-fits-all handbooks, and all training is, unfortunately, on the job. That being said, I think I've done an okay job, so far. One of the first things you teach your child is to dress him or herself, starting with underwear. And, believe me, when they are a toddler they sometimes forget the drawers so you've got to check. Now, I promised myself that I wouldn't pile on Britney Spears anymore, since mental illness is certainly no laughing matter. And I do think her parents are getting her somewhat under control. But, the last few nights, she has been photographed out and about with no panties on, flashing her goods to the paps. Just like I always make sure my boys have used the potty and brushed their teeth before we leave the house, knowing Brit's history, don't you think Mom and Pop Spears should make sure she is wearing some undies before she hits the door? For everyone's sake? I know it would ruin my dinner if I rolled up on that peepshow at the front door. At a sushi joint, no less. *Ugh* I cannot begin to fathom the embarrassment her boys are going to experience at some can surf the web awful young these days, ya'll.

I'd mention Lindsay Lohan's mom, but it is evident Lindsay grew up in a 'pants-optional' kind of home. So, carry on.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Day the Dictatorship Died

Big news today...Fidel Castro has stepped down as head of state and, probably more importantly, head of the military in Cuba. Other than possibly disproving the previous premature reports of his death, what does this mean? Who knows what it means for Cuba. What does it mean for Americans? A proliferation of pretentious talking heads droning on about the humanitarian and economic impact on 'Cooba' when you know all they care about is getting those cigars so that they can continue to be smug and self-important during their weekend soirees at 'the shore'.

Knee-Deep in the Hoop-blog 2/19/08

I missed a handful of pretty decent college hoops games last night due to my dire medical situation. I was in bed at 8:30 p.m. But, medical experts have upgraded my condition from 'advanced rigor mortis' to simply 'dead', so I am trying to slowly move back toward the land of the living. I saw that Louisville won again, their 6th straight, and I'm going to assume the feat was accomplished without Rick Pitino wearing another white suit a la Colonel Sanders. He wore one in the first half of the Louisville/Georgetown game, but mysteriously came out the second half wearing his usual dark suit. The official line was that he 'spilled a Coke on it'. Right. I like to picture Mrs. Pitino on the cellie telling him to 'take that ridiculous thing off. You look like Boss Hogg's sleazy cousin from Jersey. Those laughs you hear? They are not laughing with you. Trust.'

There's not too many interesting games tonight, but Wednesday night will be huge, especially for the SEC West. My beloved Mississippi State Bulldogs will be on the road at the Devil's Playground, or Oxford, playing Ole Miss. Ole Miss has been struggling lately, but never count out a rivalry game. Ever. Just as importantly, LSU is at Arkansas, who is two games behind Miss. State in the standings. LSU has been surging lately after firing their coach, and the interim coach is a former Bulldog, Butch Pierre. How 'bout a little Bulldog love, my friend? An LSU win in Fayettenam would be a major boost for the Dawgs, as would another road win in Oxford.

I think I will hibernate one more night, then let the hoops begin!

Monday, February 18, 2008

If I Die, Who Will Find the Body?

I feel like crap today. Absolute caca. I hate being sick. My assistant is sick as well, so guess who gets to work? Yep, me. Being the boss IS boss most of the time, but when you are sick, it's like being sick when you're a mom...tough s*it, sister. Suck it up and work it out.

I'm ready for bed.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Will Windex Get That Out?

I saw 'There Will Be Blood' yesterday, finally. My conclusion? Daniel Day-Lewis was astounding...he deserves every award he has won and will win. He was pitch-perfect. I loved many of the parts, but I am still mulling over how I feel about the sum of those parts. One thing I am sure of, though, is that I love that bowling alley in his house at the end of the movie! *Spoiler Alert* It was so boss- I'd love to have one. Minus, of course, the dead evangelist oozing blood and brain matter all over the hardwood. Don't you know THAT can wreck a finish.

The trailers were quite intriguing. A few thoughts:

1. Is Keira Knightly some kind of celluloid vampire? I mean really. Does she not appear on film unless it is set prior to the Second World War and she is clad in costumes and reciting pithy dialogue? I know there was 'Domino', but since no one actually saw it I consider that film an urban legend. Good news for me, though. I don't do period pieces, and she annoys the crap out of me. So, win-win.

2. If 'In Bruges' is 75% as funny as it looks, I'll be happy. Which, of course, means it will be 25% as funny as it looks and I'll be 100% ill that I spent $11 and 2 hours on a hot mess of a movie.

3. I don't know if I can put into words how much I love Daniel Craig. I don't even remember the name of the movie he has coming out, but who cares. Not only did he single-handedly resurrect the James Bond franchise, he is a major fox. When he says, 'Bond, James Bond' at the end of 'Casino Royale', I get chills all over my body. Excuse me while I go watch 'Layer Cake' again.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Whatchoo Talkin' Bout, Shannon?

So the plot thickens in relation to the recently wed Gary Coleman and wife Shannon Price. Evidently, the relationship remains chaste, and Gary, sadly, is still the real-life 40-Year-Old Virgin. Also, their relationship is not without its drama...mainly Gary hurling projectiles at Shannon in fits of anger, which she reportedly takes exception to. Here's a thought, Shan...give him a little lovin' and he might RELAX and not throw computer equipment at your head! You didn't take my advice (see previous blog), married him, now you need to come through for the little man. I'm guessing he hasn't had any action since Gordon Jump had Arnold and Dudley take off their shirts and jump on the bed.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day Massacre

What is being massacred, you ask? Only my pride. I know I shouldn't hate on a day that is supposed to celebrate love. But what started out as a simple mercenary conspiracy amongst florists, candymakers and greeting card companies to make a little extra change has turned ugly in the hands of the women in this country. Now, it has two purposes: to make the male population feel terrible, and for women to one-up all their friends and co-workers. And, a fun side benefit is to lord it over all the single women out there. Last year, I was running an errand and some clerk who I didn't even know asked, 'what did you get for Valentine's?'. Me: 'Um, nothing. I'm single.' Her: 'Really? Too bad. You should really have gotten a date'. Bitch.

Seriously, what is this insane need to make other women feel insignificant and worthless? It is bad enough that I have spent the last 2 days ordering flowers for my mother, buying candy for one kid's class party plus gifts for his teachers, stuff for my kids, and making sure the oldest has proper arrangements to take his girlfriend to dinner. All so I can sit home alone. And, on top of things, NOT a good week for me, lovelife-wise. At all. Do you really have to twist the knife? Isn't this supposed to be a sweet gesture between you and your beloved, not a trophy proving you are better than me?

Anyway, Happy Valentine's to everyone in the spirit of retail. I'll choose to be happy to receive the 'gift of giving'. And, be careful out don't know who you might bruise with your gloating.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Different Strokes Indeed

So, Gary Coleman finally got hitched! Coleman, 40, (years, not inches) married Shannon Price, 22, on a mountaintop after knowing her a grand total of 5 months. Evidently, the 18 year (and, presumably 18 inch) difference doesn't matter to either of the lovebirds. I guess I should have shown young Shannon my move. When a short guy hits on me, I simply raise my arm to my height like those nifty little signs at the amusement park and solemnly state, 'You must be this tall to ride this ride.'

Works every time, my friend.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been

Wow. From prison to pups. No, not Michael Vick, that would be backwards. Patty Hearst, best known for being spending time in prison for robbing a bank with the terrorist group The Symbionese Liberation Army (who are these Symbions and why do they need liberating?) has won an award with her French Bulldog at the Westminster Dog Show. Never saw this one coming. The award is named The Best of Opposite Sex...definitely NOT an award she'd have won in the joint.

I'm convinced John Waters is behind has to be a movie.

Off His Rocker

So, the steroids investigation has come to this...John Rocker is complaining that he failed a drug test in 2000 and DIDN'T get in trouble. So, he's whining because Bud Selig didn't punish him? Daddy issues anyone?

Monday, February 11, 2008

Being Simple

I've been Natasha'd again. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it is pretty obvious at this point that I am not what most men want in a partner. Maybe for a fun time, maybe for good conversation, even a romp, but not for a possible future. And, considering most men, that’s not a bad thing. But, this wasn’t most men…far from it.
In case you don’t know who Natasha is, she was a character on the HBO Series ‘Sex and the City’. She was the wife of Mr. Big, who was played by Chris Noth. After stringing Carrie Bradshaw along for years (Sarah Jessica Parker, wonderful in her breakout role and quite, um, interesting wardrobe choices), telling her he didn't want to marry again, basically putting her through hell (a glorious hell at times, but let’s stick to the subject), Big met and married Natasha in a whirlwind romance. Natasha was portrayed by Bridget Moynahan- a signature role for her. Nice enough, pretty enough, no obvious bad qualities, no obvious personality. Check out her character in the movie 'Serendipity'...same thing. A simple girl, as opposed to Kate Beckinsdale’s more complex character who connects with John Cusack on one magical evening. And simple definitely always seems the way to go- convenient, no fuss, easy, no messy passion to deal with. In our fast food society, that’s what we gravitate toward. So what if it isn't the best option. Even if it isn’t the best thing for you, isn't easy always better? And that's what Big told Carrie he wanted. That being with Carrie became too 'complicated'.
I felt Carrie's pain. I, too, am not a simple girl. While I am not a raging b**** like a lot of men prefer (yet another story), I don't see life and love as something akin to finding a good parking place (or a prom date, but again, another story)- 'hey, this one is close, has enough space, there is still a little time on the meter, and all my friends like it.' Never mind that you are going to constantly have to feed the meter or move your car to the other side of the street. This one is here! There is something to be said for choosing the spot that is further away, maybe a little harder to find, maybe a little more difficult to maneuver, but the parking is unlimited and the walk to your destination is so much of the fun. At least that’s what I tell myself at the Wal-Mart.
There is a song I love called 'Being Simple' by The Judybats. There are numerous reasons I love this song, but mainly it touches my soul like few other songs, and tells the story of said soul:
'Hearts cannot be broken, they're small squishy things
They don't break like glass, but they bruise easily
This one you bruise
Words will not be spoken, never knowing what they mean
Sticks and stones hurt my bones, your promises have broken me
Each one you break
And I want to be good, but good is being simple
Simple is forgetting
I simply can't forget
Eyes are always open, even when they sleep
Mine are mostly closed while yours are wandering
You look where you please
I want to be great but greatness is giving
Giving leaves me empty
Oh great emptiness
Souls cannot be taken, they're large and they're loud
Yours merely whispers lately; seems it's shrinkin'
I wish it would speak
I want to be great but greatness is giving
Giving leaves me empty
Oh great emptiness
I'm not simple. Like the song says, my soul is large and loud. I tried to be simple for years, just trying to make myself be happy with good enough, but I decided that life is something to be lived, not endured. Simple is beige. My life is painted in large, colorful fashion- love, laughter, fun, conversation, passion...all these elements are rendered in bold, broad strokes. This is not how I grew up, nor is it something that was given to me. But, it is who I am. The problem is, it's not always easy.
The last time I was Natasha'd, it wasn't even for a specific woman, just the Natasha prototype. A few came and went, and Bachelor #1 always came back to me. See, he couldn't 'figure me out'. Evidently, that is a problem...I have broad, diverse interests and can't be characterized, or put into a box. Even though he is a graduate of a very prestigous university and a successful international attorney, he constantly tells me I'm smarter than him. And I don't think he means it as a compliment. I don't care about social status, constantly redecorating, or jewelry. While I love looking good for my partner, I don't have to be the prettiest girl in the room. And, yes, I like a good foreign film as well as 'Saving Silverman'. I love sports, I don’t just pretend to watch while chasing a guy. I read. I have intelligent conversation, as well as completely inappopriate laughfests. While you would think these things would be a positive, they weren’t, necessarily. They weren’t simple. Even though every other area clicked for us, I couldn't give him the perfect partner he wanted that would fit in with all the other Stepford Wives and girlfriends. And he couldn't give me everything I needed emotionally because of that. Then, the other problems started coming up. You really watch MMA? Whoa. Next! He turned out to be the simple one. Because we were both missing something, we each had one foot constantly out the door and ended up hurting each other’s feelings, more than once. I finally ended it many, many months after I should have. But, it was easy to stay. We got along well- heck, we get along well now. But it wasn’t enough for either of us.
Bachelor #2 is harder to figure out. While I was on and off with Bachelor #1 for almost two years (and married for 13…don’t ever call me a quitter!), I haven't had nearly enough time with Bachelor #2. He is incredibly intelligent, with a beautiful mind that makes me weak in the knees. He has a razor-sharp sense of humor with the intellect to back it up. He makes me laugh, he engages me, he absolutely gives me butterflies that no 41-year-old woman is supposed to have. But I do, I get as giddy as a schoolgirl. I fell for his mind first, and then when we met, there was a blazing-hot passion. I didn’t think it was possible to connect with someone on every level like I did with Bachelor #2. And, he said he felt the same. All of the things that seemed to be an issue with Bachelor #1 were exactly the things Bachelor #2 said he loved about me. But, there were obstacles, distance and work. A trip was cancelled to preserve another person’s feelings, which devastated me. He asked me to wait, to be patient, and I did. He promised me he was committed to trying, even though the spectre of the other person loomed. That relationship is over, he said. And I was being ‘so cool’. While my mind was screaming at me to move on, something is wrong, I didn't, because my heart and my soul were whispering 'stay'.
The biggest problem with being non-simple (anti-simple? unsimple?) is that you are considered cool. Too cool. Therefore, you don’t have feelings. You don’t want to hurt the simple girls, they get their feelings hurt so easily. So, if anyone has to be left in the cold, guess who? You got it. It is bulls***. I feel. I feel deeply. I feel deeply and passionately. And right now, there is a literal, physical weight around my heart…I feel the bruises all the way to my soul.
So what happened while I was sitting home being ‘so cool’? You guessed it- Natasha’d again. For someone more convenient- the spectre who never left. Even though there is no passion, she's nice, cool, she cares for him and his friends like her. I don't know if she still has any change in the meter or has picked out her prom dress, but I digress. I can't change who I am. I can't be simple, and, unfortunately, I can't be convenient right now. I can’t play the friend card, I don’t know them. What I can be is full of life, love, laughter, fun and passion that I want to share with someone. And right now, that someone is Bachelor #2. I just don’t know that I’ll ever get the chance, or if I’ll ever see him again. Thus, the difficulty breathing.
I don’t know what the future brings, no one does. Is it completely over with Bachelor #2? Who knows. Can I be sure that Bachelor #2 and I would make it? Of course not. I’m actually a little terrified of getting married again, but I’d like to think I could someday. Or maybe horrify my family and live in sin with someone. I’d like to at least have a chance to have something real with someone who reaches me in the way I now know is possible. And maybe there isn't another soul out there that will talk back to mine, but I'll continue to have faith and listen. In time.
And, by the way, Mr. Big divorced Natasha because he grew tired of beige, and ended up with Carrie. John Cusack’s character left Bridget Moynahan’s for just the thought of Kate Beckinsdale. Two previous boyfriends have told me in the last few months they made a huge mistake in breaking up with me. And Bachelor #1 never gives up, bless his simple little heart.
I guess there is something to be said for a little color after all.

Three Hours of My Life...

I watched the Grammys in their entirety for the first time in probably 10 years. I think I'll wait another 10. Or 20. I don't know if you watched it or not, but some observations:

Carrie Underwood is really cute. And I know I'm not a guy, but putting her in hot pants and trying to make her sexy is like trying to do the same thing with a puppy. Doesn't work and should raise the eyebrows of the appropriate authorities.

Shouldn't there be some kind of time limit on Beatles' songs (remixes or otherwise) from being allowed to win Grammys? The soundtrack to 'Love' beat 'Once'? Why should anyone ever make original music again? And, this means we have to listen to Ringo try and pretend he was any kind of creative force. Ugh.

Andy Williams and Tony Bennett shouldn't have been forced to leave the home for this. The teleprompter is totally confusing them. Soooo uncomfortable. And I bet they are pissed they are missing tapioca night and 'Cocoon 2'.

Tina Turner is hot. And almost 70. I hate her. And so wish she would knock Beyonce off the stage.

I have an ongoing issue with CBS...have you seen their promos for their lineup? Almost everyone BUT 'How I Met Your Mother'. What? And why is no one else watching this show? What is wrong with you people?!?!?!?!?!?

I am officially horrified at modern country music. Brad Paisley is on stage, wearing more glitter than a drag queen at Pride, singing a song with the lyric 'I'd like to check you for ticks'. Oh. My. God.

Kanye West is immensely talented. Truly. And immensely insufferable. TRULY.

One of my favorite bloggers, J. Harvey at just wrote something I wish I had- he wondered how many more sports Will Ferrell will make a movie spoofing. He can only hope the next is the biathalon...and there is an onset accident. Heh.

Vince Gill is officially my hero. Did you see? His award was presented by Ringo Starr and Dave Stewart, and he said, ' I just got presented an award by a Beatle. Can you say that, Kanye?' I...LOVE...HIM!!!

'Rhapsody in Blue' is totally boss. No snark here; it still enthralls me over 30 years after hearing it for the first time.

Just in time for Black History Month...Martin Lawrence, Raven, and Jackee' in a movie with eye-rolling, finger-snapping, and more uncomfortable cliches galore! What, Cuba Gooding, Jr. wasn't available? I know Dr. King would be proud.

Is that Jerry Lee Lewis or is this 'Weekend at Bernies 3D'? I'm seriously not sure he's even alive.

Little Richard. I won't say anything, because I don't want to offend African-Americans, gays, drag queens, wig-wearers, molestache-wearers or Porter Waggoner (who evidently posthumously donated his suit.)

And John Fogerty was performing with those two. Do you think he went home and cried?

Flight of the Conchords won Best Comedy Album! Now THAT was a speech I'd love to hear...Murray calling roll for the people he'd like to thank...'God? Is he present? Speak up!'

I have a new nightmare...the commercial with the freaky looking guy with the enormous thighs. Won't sleep...thanks, is singing 'Mack the Knife' he's doing some kind of rap nonsense about the awards...really, stop...STOP!!!!

Quincy Jones needs to join Andy and Tony at the home. Wait, no, I think he's just drunk.

The only way the ending sequence could have been any weirder (cast of 'Love') is if that freak from the commercial came lumbering through.

Just saw on the local news...there will be a debate between state senatorial candidates soon at the Catfish Opry in Noxupater. I keep picturing fish singing on the wall like that singing bass. Yes, this is my home state.

Friday, February 8, 2008

You, Me and Jolie

I just read an article detailing the similarities between hottie Tom Brady and nottie Derek Jeter. (Those views are strictly the views of Bringing Foxy Back. It's my blog, so there.) Naturally, it made me think of the many similarities between myself and Angelina Jolie. Come on, admit it. You think about them all the time. Here goes:

Angie: Humanitarian and activist
Me: Human and active

Angie: The most talked about lips of her generation
Me: Even though I have the biggest lips of anyone I know outside of a Fat Albert cartoon, she still wins.

Angie: Infamously talked of having sex with Billy Bob Thornton in the limo before an awards show.
Me: Famously rode in a limo once. For Reals!

Angie: Loves body art. She has several tattoos, and sports even more in her next role as a heavily tattooed assassin in ‘Wanted’, soon to be seen by millions on the big screen.
Me: Got a temporary henna tattoo in Jackson Square in New Orleans once, and the process was filmed by a German tourist. My bare midriff has likely bored tens of friends and neighbors in Deutchland forced to watch his vacation videos.

Angie: Has a seemingly solid relationship with Brad Pitt- perenially hot, a great dad, and activist himself.
Me: I have a seemingly solid relationship with my TV remote. Even though I have been suspicious that someone else is pushing it's buttons lately. *Sob* Next, please.

Angie: Kicked butt as Lara Croft in the ‘Tomb Raider’ films, seen by millions.
Me: Kicked butt on the eliptical machine this morning, alone.

Angie: U.N. Ambassador
Me: Drank the UN-Cola once.

Angie: Long, beautiful, lustrous brunette locks.
Me: Hot new bangs. Checkmate, Anj.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Curses, Foiled Again!

Sen. Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania has taken on possible taping of opposing teams in the NFL, asking for a meeting with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to discuss his handling of 'Spygate'. Baseball players are currently testifying before Congress regarding possible steroid use. In the meantime, the country is engaged in an unwinnable war that is costing billions, a mortgage crisis has left millions in foreclosure while sending the country spiraling into recession, and residents of the Gulf Coast are still living in trailers over two years after Katrina. But, Americans can sleep soundly at night knowing that the evil Roger Clemens and Bill Belichick won't get away with their nefarious plans! Whew...thanks, Congress!

Good Knight, Bob

If the winningest college basketball coach in history resigned and it wasn't even the top sports story of the day, did it even happen? And does anyone care? Ah, relevancy is a tenuous thing, my friends.

Can We Just Hit Pause? Please?

Do you ever feel like life is in Blu-ray, but you are still Beta? I'm trying to slow down, but everything and everyone else is just whizzing on by. In high-def, even.