I've been Natasha'd again. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it is pretty obvious at this point that I am not what most men want in a partner. Maybe for a fun time, maybe for good conversation, even a romp, but not for a possible future. And, considering most men, that’s not a bad thing. But, this wasn’t most men…far from it.
In case you don’t know who Natasha is, she was a character on the HBO Series ‘Sex and the City’. She was the wife of Mr. Big, who was played by Chris Noth. After stringing Carrie Bradshaw along for years (Sarah Jessica Parker, wonderful in her breakout role and quite, um, interesting wardrobe choices), telling her he didn't want to marry again, basically putting her through hell (a glorious hell at times, but let’s stick to the subject), Big met and married Natasha in a whirlwind romance. Natasha was portrayed by Bridget Moynahan- a signature role for her. Nice enough, pretty enough, no obvious bad qualities, no obvious personality. Check out her character in the movie 'Serendipity'...same thing. A simple girl, as opposed to Kate Beckinsdale’s more complex character who connects with John Cusack on one magical evening. And simple definitely always seems the way to go- convenient, no fuss, easy, no messy passion to deal with. In our fast food society, that’s what we gravitate toward. So what if it isn't the best option. Even if it isn’t the best thing for you, isn't easy always better? And that's what Big told Carrie he wanted. That being with Carrie became too 'complicated'.
I felt Carrie's pain. I, too, am not a simple girl. While I am not a raging b**** like a lot of men prefer (yet another story), I don't see life and love as something akin to finding a good parking place (or a prom date, but again, another story)- 'hey, this one is close, has enough space, there is still a little time on the meter, and all my friends like it.' Never mind that you are going to constantly have to feed the meter or move your car to the other side of the street. This one is here! There is something to be said for choosing the spot that is further away, maybe a little harder to find, maybe a little more difficult to maneuver, but the parking is unlimited and the walk to your destination is so much of the fun. At least that’s what I tell myself at the Wal-Mart.
There is a song I love called 'Being Simple' by The Judybats. There are numerous reasons I love this song, but mainly it touches my soul like few other songs, and tells the story of said soul:
'Hearts cannot be broken, they're small squishy things
They don't break like glass, but they bruise easily
This one you bruise
Words will not be spoken, never knowing what they mean
Sticks and stones hurt my bones, your promises have broken me
Each one you break
And I want to be good, but good is being simple
Simple is forgetting
I simply can't forget
Eyes are always open, even when they sleep
Mine are mostly closed while yours are wandering
You look where you please
I want to be great but greatness is giving
Giving leaves me empty
Oh great emptiness
Souls cannot be taken, they're large and they're loud
Yours merely whispers lately; seems it's shrinkin'
I wish it would speak
I want to be great but greatness is giving
Giving leaves me empty
Oh great emptiness
I'm not simple. Like the song says, my soul is large and loud. I tried to be simple for years, just trying to make myself be happy with good enough, but I decided that life is something to be lived, not endured. Simple is beige. My life is painted in large, colorful fashion- love, laughter, fun, conversation, passion...all these elements are rendered in bold, broad strokes. This is not how I grew up, nor is it something that was given to me. But, it is who I am. The problem is, it's not always easy.
The last time I was Natasha'd, it wasn't even for a specific woman, just the Natasha prototype. A few came and went, and Bachelor #1 always came back to me. See, he couldn't 'figure me out'. Evidently, that is a problem...I have broad, diverse interests and can't be characterized, or put into a box. Even though he is a graduate of a very prestigous university and a successful international attorney, he constantly tells me I'm smarter than him. And I don't think he means it as a compliment. I don't care about social status, constantly redecorating, or jewelry. While I love looking good for my partner, I don't have to be the prettiest girl in the room. And, yes, I like a good foreign film as well as 'Saving Silverman'. I love sports, I don’t just pretend to watch while chasing a guy. I read. I have intelligent conversation, as well as completely inappopriate laughfests. While you would think these things would be a positive, they weren’t, necessarily. They weren’t simple. Even though every other area clicked for us, I couldn't give him the perfect partner he wanted that would fit in with all the other Stepford Wives and girlfriends. And he couldn't give me everything I needed emotionally because of that. Then, the other problems started coming up. You really watch MMA? Whoa. Next! He turned out to be the simple one. Because we were both missing something, we each had one foot constantly out the door and ended up hurting each other’s feelings, more than once. I finally ended it many, many months after I should have. But, it was easy to stay. We got along well- heck, we get along well now. But it wasn’t enough for either of us.
Bachelor #2 is harder to figure out. While I was on and off with Bachelor #1 for almost two years (and married for 13…don’t ever call me a quitter!), I haven't had nearly enough time with Bachelor #2. He is incredibly intelligent, with a beautiful mind that makes me weak in the knees. He has a razor-sharp sense of humor with the intellect to back it up. He makes me laugh, he engages me, he absolutely gives me butterflies that no 41-year-old woman is supposed to have. But I do, I get as giddy as a schoolgirl. I fell for his mind first, and then when we met, there was a blazing-hot passion. I didn’t think it was possible to connect with someone on every level like I did with Bachelor #2. And, he said he felt the same. All of the things that seemed to be an issue with Bachelor #1 were exactly the things Bachelor #2 said he loved about me. But, there were obstacles, distance and work. A trip was cancelled to preserve another person’s feelings, which devastated me. He asked me to wait, to be patient, and I did. He promised me he was committed to trying, even though the spectre of the other person loomed. That relationship is over, he said. And I was being ‘so cool’. While my mind was screaming at me to move on, something is wrong, I didn't, because my heart and my soul were whispering 'stay'.
The biggest problem with being non-simple (anti-simple? unsimple?) is that you are considered cool. Too cool. Therefore, you don’t have feelings. You don’t want to hurt the simple girls, they get their feelings hurt so easily. So, if anyone has to be left in the cold, guess who? You got it. It is bulls***. I feel. I feel deeply. I feel deeply and passionately. And right now, there is a literal, physical weight around my heart…I feel the bruises all the way to my soul.
So what happened while I was sitting home being ‘so cool’? You guessed it- Natasha’d again. For someone more convenient- the spectre who never left. Even though there is no passion, she's nice, cool, she cares for him and his friends like her. I don't know if she still has any change in the meter or has picked out her prom dress, but I digress. I can't change who I am. I can't be simple, and, unfortunately, I can't be convenient right now. I can’t play the friend card, I don’t know them. What I can be is full of life, love, laughter, fun and passion that I want to share with someone. And right now, that someone is Bachelor #2. I just don’t know that I’ll ever get the chance, or if I’ll ever see him again. Thus, the difficulty breathing.
I don’t know what the future brings, no one does. Is it completely over with Bachelor #2? Who knows. Can I be sure that Bachelor #2 and I would make it? Of course not. I’m actually a little terrified of getting married again, but I’d like to think I could someday. Or maybe horrify my family and live in sin with someone. I’d like to at least have a chance to have something real with someone who reaches me in the way I now know is possible. And maybe there isn't another soul out there that will talk back to mine, but I'll continue to have faith and listen. In time.
And, by the way, Mr. Big divorced Natasha because he grew tired of beige, and ended up with Carrie. John Cusack’s character left Bridget Moynahan’s for just the thought of Kate Beckinsdale. Two previous boyfriends have told me in the last few months they made a huge mistake in breaking up with me. And Bachelor #1 never gives up, bless his simple little heart.
I guess there is something to be said for a little color after all.