I'll Take Cardiac Arrest for $200

Godspeed to Alex Trebek, I hope he recovers soon after suffering a mild heart attack. At the hospital, do you think he answered all the questions on the forms in the form of a question?

We'll Make You a Big Star. Literally.

In my opinion, the most disturbing new televison trend (beside high school kids swapping beds like school pics) is the sheer number of medical programs dealing with treating obese people. There are currently at least 4 or so on Discovery Medicine alone. Now, I live in Mississippi, and just by looking around I know that there is unlimited potential there. With the writers on strike, I'm afraid this could be the next craze, and could possibly turn into its own network. Which you KNOW my local Comcast will pick up and put right next to the network showing reruns of 'Who's the Boss' and 'Diagnosis Murder'. I know if they need new subjects, all they have to do is follow me to the market or onto a plane. There will be a potential star either walking in front of me, or sitting next to me. Trust.

Anybody seen Jobu?

The Mitchell Report is due out today, and word on the street is that Roidger Clemens will be named in the report. The people that will be surprised at this 'revelation' are the same people that were shocked when Ellen DeGeneres came out. All I need to know about The Rocket is that I am 3 years younger, in arguably much better shape, and it takes me 10 minutes every morning to assess my aches and pains before I get out of bed. And this cat is still throwing 90 plus? Please. I think steroids and HGH are just the tip of the iceberg. That's getting into serious voodoo territory, my friend.

Was Dick Button Not Available?

As a huge Mississippi State fan (Go Dawgs!), I was interested to see who would be calling the Liberty Bowl game for ESPN. Turns out it is Terry Gannon and David Norrie. Terry Gannon has been known for his extensive work in figure skating and golf. I know it is a lower tier bowl, but come on. First Taylor Hicks for halftime entertainment and now this? At least I have the comfort of knowing that 30,000 plus drunk, booing, cowbell-wielding Bulldog fans will most likely drown out the halftime caterwauling. THAT will be my entertainment. Try singing over that din, Idol man.

On a more positive note, you Florida and Michigan fans who are jonesing for a Britney Spears update are in luck. Mike Patrick is on duty at the Capital One Bowl.

He May Be Cashin' In, But We're All Winners Here

Seems that Jessica Alba and her on-again, off-again boyfriend Cash Warren are definitely on again, and the Production Assistant managed to seal the deal by impregnating Ms. Alba. The little Cash calf is due in the summer sometime. Ms. Alba was set to appear on Broadway in 'Speed the Plow' sometime next year, but will now have to withdraw in order to gestate. You know, sometimes the Lord really does work in mysterious ways.