A Dying Breed

I hope the rumors that Paul Newman is facing terminal cancer aren't true. While at 83 he has led a long, happy, exemplary life, we as a nation, and particularly a culture, are going to be much less for his passing. While he isn't perfect, as no humans are, he has always displayed a strength, class and dignity sorely missing among the Hollywood stars of the last couple of decades. He has managed to enjoy a long, happy marriage with Joanne Woodward without sex tapes or jumping on couches. He has pursued his hobby of racing cars without turning it into a paparazzi sideshow and photo op. He has quietly donated millions and millions of dollars to charities through his Newman's Own line of natural and organic foods without feeling the need to call a press conference or calling attention to himself in any way. He has simply always, for the most part, chosen to do the right thing. He is such a class act. I was incredibly saddened by the death of Sydney Pollack recently for the same reasons. He was successful, funny, brilliant and a genuinely good guy who made significant contributions to our culture in a quietly dignified way. Our lives were truly enriched by these gentlemen, and our culture will lose much as we lose them.

I've Got Your Iron Man

Mission accomplished with the lingerie shopping last night. I do always feel better when I buy something pretty, even if it is only underwear and no one is going to see it *sigh*. Go figure, huh? I also bought some books, a replacement for my dead 'happiness bamboo' (I'm guessing that was killing my feng shui) and went to a movie. I had a little time, so I stopped in the only restaurant with a bar in 'The Mall' here in the LBC- the Little Bitty City- the always happening Ruby Tuesday. Really, who can place a name on you? Ugh. Luckily for me (please re-read those words and make sure they are dripping with sarcasm), a group of gals around my age who have teenagers as well were there getting there drink on and heading to the movie. Sex and the City, I figure. Now, I'm not hating on SATC...went with some of my gals and loved, loved, loved it. Of course, we did it right. We went to brunch, got liquored up and looked HOT. Actually, it has helped me get out of my funk. Anyhoo, I walk in, dressed pretty cute (seriously, not too hard to look cuter than the soccer moms that were there), with my Victoria's Secret bag o'goodies. I sat at the bar and ordered a glass of wine. They were drinking and, I'm serious, this is the most giggly, obnoxious group of Fortysomethings you can imagine. Loud. And they were giving me the side-eye, now. Naturally, I assume that I am quite the topic of conversation here in the LBC today. I was a little uncomfortable at first, but came to realize that so what? I'm single, I wasn't trying to pick anyone up, and it's not my fault they all quit making efforts to look good or have anything interesting to say a long time ago. So there. They didn't spoil my good mood.

Now, on to Iron Man. All I can say is the movie rocked, the pad in Malibu was totally boss, and Robert Downey, Jr. was majorly foxy in this flick. I walked in an admirer and walked out in lust. Damn, where's my Iron Man? Go forth and see this film if you haven't.

America's Next Top Model, Episode 2

Another Wednesday, another Top Model installment! The girls have all been brought to New York City in what I can only imagine is the hope that the city makes them look more like models. Don't see it happening, ya'll. This group is the most in need of a makeover I've ever seen. When is that episode? My observations:

That Dominique? She looks like she would cut a bitch. I miss Jaslene...she was a kinder, gentler tranny.

*There is a TGIFriday's commercial promoting some menu items that are piled with meat, cheese, and God knows what else, with a dipping sauce on the side. I sincerely hope those items come with a coupon for an angioplasty.

These girls have seriously got to stop squealing. Some of them are freaking 24 years old! 'Here's a tube with a message from Tyra'. *Screams* 'Here's directions to the loft' *Screams* 'Here's the beds' *Screams* You get the picture. It is already on my last nerve.

Some of the girls go out for a smoke in clear defiance of the no-smoking symbols emblazoned on the frosted glass doors. How very chic. Kim, she of the scrunched-up face, is all, 'But, like, when I need one, I just, like, need one, and, like, have to have it right, like, then.' If there is a God, she'll be gone tonight.

Fatima is a biyotch. She's gonna ride that female circumcision train all the way from Somalia to the top...verbally bitch-slap you, then cry 'I can't have sex with men!' Mark it down.

They are in Times Square!*Screams* The Jays are there with Badgely and Mischka of Badgely Mischka *Screams*. Oh my God, real designers I've heard of! Not like those wannabes in L.A. Ooooh, they are brave. These gals are going to wear their clothes in a fashion show right in the middle of Times Square. *Screams* Obviously, they haven't seen these chicks walk. Tyra(nt) better say goodbye to the free swag after this debacle. The girls are predictably awful. But, it is only the second episode. And Scrunch-Face Kim is complaining about how much the clothes cost, and that she just doesn't agree with it. Hmmm. Defiantly smoking, saying she's not into fashion...I sense some editorial foreboding going on here.

Weird Amis (formerly Amy), is talking about her looks. 'I'm a ragamuffin,' she states, all wild-eyed. You go, Oliver Twist.

Fatima and Marvita are so going to duke it out soon. Those names do seem a perfect bill for some Foxy Boxing, right? Fatima, the Somalian Samurai vs. Marvita, the San Francisco Treat! I'd watch it. And the loser has to fight Dominique. Now THAT's scary.

Paulina Porizkova is here! She is the new Twiggy this season, who was the new Janice Dickinson the last couple of seasons. The girls all go to the Elite modeling agency *Screams* for critiques. Paulina is going to rock...she doesn't mince words, a la Janice, but with 85% less plastic surgery and 100% less crazy. She lets the girls have it- Weird Amis has bad skin (most of them do, actually). And I am dying...she just told Dominique she looks like a transvestite. You go, my sister in snark. Poor Dominique has evidently not been told that before...at least to her face. Heh.

Marvita is going to be so, so quotable. My faves from this episode, both referencing Fatima:

'This ho is trippin'

'Ive never met a mean African except for you.' Guess she never ran into Idi Amin.

God, those 2 are killing me softly with their verbal sparring.

Photoshoot! *Screams* The girls meet Tyra(nt) and she solemnly tells them about an organization they will be working with that help homeless youth reach their goals. Worthy cause, good for you, Tyra(nt). She should have stopped right there. Oh, but wait...there's more. Not only does she shamelessly plug her show, she then tells them they will be posing as homeless people. In designer clothes. What's next...posing as amputees to spotlight disability issues? Ugh. Not feeling it.

Dominique is getting her makeup done; the makeup artist is telling her she is beautiful. She tells him Paulina said she looked like a drag queen, and he looks at her like, 'Duh!' Then, he says people mistake him for a woman all the time, too. Heh. Love him, he needs his own show.

Fatima fake makes up with Marvita. Watch your back, Marvita. That foxy boxing match is still on in the Somalian's head.

Panel time! *Screams* Ms. Jay is all bedazzled...his panel schtick this season is to wear a vest that has all the gals' names on it in jeweled letters. Then, when they are voted off, he will dramatically rip off their names. I love that queen. He also calls Dominique draglicious.

Scrunch-Face Kim tells Tyra(nt) she doesn't like fashion. Tyra(nt)'s head spins around a la The Exorcist, Paulina and Nigel are agape, and Ms. Jay clutches her pearls and swoons. Bu-bye, Scrunch-Face. (How 'bout that editorial foreboding, eh?) Enjoy your destiny of being a chain-smoking bank teller in Worcester, Mass.

It's down to Weird Amis and the chick that is so bland no one remembers her name. Weird Amis needs to invest in a bra...not pretty. Anyway, the Oliver Twist thing is still working for Amis, she stays and hopefully goes to wash her face.

Next week, makeovers! *Screams* Thank God...these girls are wrecked.

The Big 'O's

I am one of the few people who was actually interested in the Academy Awards this year, since I had actually seen most of the films. Not just 'Juno'. Things I found of interest:

Of course, what will be referred to from now on as the 'Gary Busey Incident'. Seriously, if you are going to invite someone with major head trauma and a history of crazy, shouldn't you have a guard standing by? Like Ryan Seacrest was going to do anything. Jennifer Garner handled herself well and I already loved Laura Linney, now I love her more for coming to Jennifer's rescue while Ms. Seacrest did nothing.

John Travolta and his spray-on hair. Oh. My. God. I was howling...someone has been staying up too late watching infomercials. I'm just surprised he didn't stroll the red carpet wearing Blue Blockers shades.

Helen Mirren was even more awesome and stunning than usual...perfection. Millions of gay men exploded in a cloud of glitter and confetti when she appeared.

I have a new female crush, (I've only ever had one other one, Angelina Jolie), Marion Cotillard. I just watched 'La Vie En Rose', and immediately wanted to move to Paris and smoke cigarettes while listening to Edith Piaf. She was amazing. And Marion Cotillard is, in my teenage son's word(s), 'Hhhhhot'. She was so gorgeous on the red carpet, yet was able to be such a crippled little creature in the movie. Unbelievable. And I don't know who that idiot was that ABC had on the carpet, but I'd have given a huge amount of money for Marion to light a cigarette and say, 'You stoopeed American cow...I know you did not see my feelm. It is not possible that you can read.' That would have been boss. But, she was polite and charming. I was happy she won, even over Laura Linney.

I still can't believe 3 songs from 'Enchanted' were nominated, and only one from 'Once' and none from 'Into the Wild'. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I was soooo happy when 'Once' won, though. And Jon Stewart gets major props from me for letting Marketa Irglova speak. Totally boss.

One of the most interesting stories of the night was Tilda Swinton. This chick makes whatever movie she wants to make, and is loved. Lives with an artist, Robert Byrne, who is supposed to be brilliant. They have twins together. She then brings home this young hottie to have a little fun with, and old Robert seems to be okay with it. They are all living as one big happy family. So, she has a great career, one intellectually stimulating partner, one smokin' hot boy toy, kids, the balls to make fun of Clooney at the Oscars, and the gays worship her even though she wore a frock that looked like someone pulled some drapes off a Tim Burton movie set and threw it on her. She probably could even wear Crocs* and they'd love her. Who says a woman can't have it all these days.

*Crocs- the single worst thing to happen to fashion in the last decade. Even worse than Uggs.

I adore Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and was happy to see him win an Independent Spirit Award for 'The Savages'. He didn't seem as grouchy as usual. He and Laura Linney were absolutely terrific in that movie. I also loved him in 'Before the Devil Knows You're Dead'. I didn't see 'Charlie Wilson's War', so I can't speak to his performance in it, even though I'm sure he was awesome. I had to skip that movie, it falls under the 'Julia Roberts Codicile' in my movie-viewing guidelines. That being, that I really heartily dislike Julia Roberts and refuse to watch any movie in which she appears except 'Notting Hill'. So, sorry, Phil.

Renee Zellweger always has the same look on her face- she squints her eyes and purses her lips. Bless her heart, if she would have opened her eyes, she might have noticed she was marrying a repressed, balding homosexual who always wears cutoff T's and too-tight blue jeans. She must not hang out at too many gay bars. Or gyms.

I give Miley Cyrus 18 months or less until she's downing shots and snorting lines at Hyde. Mark it down. Plus, what in the world was she doing there?

Rebecca Miller (Daniel Day-Lewis' wife) reminded me of another interesting story that got practically zero press last year. It came out that her father, Arthur Miller, had a son with Down Syndrome that he forced their mother to institutionalize and pretty much ignored him his entire life. Miller didn't acknowledge him until after his own death, in his will. Fascinating read...was in 'Vanity Fair'. Not really Oscar-related, but interesting.

Hilary Swank is a fine little filly. I know her trainer is proud.

And, speaking of horses, finally, everyone is complaining about the horses in 'Michael Clayton'. Was I the only one who made the connection, tenuous as it was? Huh.

America's Next Top Model- Premiere

It's America's Next Top Model, ya'll! I just heart this show...nothing does my heart more good than to see perfectly average gals embarrass themselves on TV thinking they can be a 'Top Model'. But, you know, since the last few winners have mainly been known for appearing on reality shows, in Playboy, music videos and Meow Mix promo events, who knows...if that's your dream, you go for it! Maybe I can be a Top Model, too!

A few thoughts:

1. Okay, so Marvita is this season's 'Victim of Rape/Abuse Who Auditioned Last Year But Didn't Make It'. Year before last's version, Jaslene the seemingly hearing-impaired transvestite, won. Marvita has the same Ghetto I'm-Gonna-Git-U-Sucka vibe that Brandy did last season. I loved that magenta-banged biyotch. Let the cat fights begin!

2. They had the finalists (well, not the final finalists) all dress in schoolgirl uniforms. If I didn't know better, I'd think straight people were writing this show. Must have been Nigel Barker's input.

3. I wish I had a screen cap of the crowd of girls when the 2 Jays walked out...this gal's eyes ROLLED BACK IN HER HEAD she was so excited. I thought she was going to swoon. She then said, 'Mr. Jay is FINE...I don't think ya'll understand.' Uh, Mr. Jay is short, orange, has freaky whitish hair and is, *cough*, GAY! If not, he needs his man-card taken for shopping via International Male. But, I'm gonna give him some Southern love...he brought the snark last season, and continued last night. By the by, I kept notes...the almost-fainter was Jennifer...24 years old, delusional and destined to a sexless marriage. She didn't make the cut. Ya think?

4. Okay, I'm seriously starting to hate the Tyra(nt). Modeling is supposed to be about impossibly beautiful women wearing unaffordable clothes and making it all look unattainable. Am I right? And she shows up in that bad wig and worse slapstick routine? Bitch, please. She's ruining all that is good and holy about fashion. Now I must go put my hand on my lastest issue of Vogue and pray. At least I can leave the part out about one of these scrubs ending up on the pages...not happening, my friend.

5. For the most part, they all have bad skin. I mean BAD skin...visible acne. What? You couldn't find some cute girls by the Clearasil in Target? They seriously need better scouts.

6. I love, love, love me some Ms. Jay. No snark...seriously. My teenage son is really concerned about how much I love that queen.

7. Finally, there was so much squealing and bouncing in this video, I wasn't sure if I was watching 'America's Next Top (Boat) Model' or a 'Girl's Gone Wild' open call. Geez, get a hold of yourselves. You are this pumped up about getting some free Cover Girl mascara? 'Cuz you know most of you aren't making any scratch off this.

That's the premiere ep, ya'll. (Cue the music) 'It's the hap-happiest time...of the year...'

No Sushi for Me, Thanks. Ever Again.

Being a parent is hard work...no doubt about it. There are no hard and fast rules, no one-size-fits-all handbooks, and all training is, unfortunately, on the job. That being said, I think I've done an okay job, so far. One of the first things you teach your child is to dress him or herself, starting with underwear. And, believe me, when they are a toddler they sometimes forget the drawers so you've got to check. Now, I promised myself that I wouldn't pile on Britney Spears anymore, since mental illness is certainly no laughing matter. And I do think her parents are getting her somewhat under control. But, the last few nights, she has been photographed out and about with no panties on, flashing her goods to the paps. Just like I always make sure my boys have used the potty and brushed their teeth before we leave the house, knowing Brit's history, don't you think Mom and Pop Spears should make sure she is wearing some undies before she hits the door? For everyone's sake? I know it would ruin my dinner if I rolled up on that peepshow at the front door. At a sushi joint, no less. *Ugh* I cannot begin to fathom the embarrassment her boys are going to experience at some point...kids can surf the web awful young these days, ya'll.

I'd mention Lindsay Lohan's mom, but it is evident Lindsay grew up in a 'pants-optional' kind of home. So, carry on.

Will Windex Get That Out?

I saw 'There Will Be Blood' yesterday, finally. My conclusion? Daniel Day-Lewis was astounding...he deserves every award he has won and will win. He was pitch-perfect. I loved many of the parts, but I am still mulling over how I feel about the sum of those parts. One thing I am sure of, though, is that I love that bowling alley in his house at the end of the movie! *Spoiler Alert* It was so boss- I'd love to have one. Minus, of course, the dead evangelist oozing blood and brain matter all over the hardwood. Don't you know THAT can wreck a finish.

The trailers were quite intriguing. A few thoughts:

1. Is Keira Knightly some kind of celluloid vampire? I mean really. Does she not appear on film unless it is set prior to the Second World War and she is clad in costumes and reciting pithy dialogue? I know there was 'Domino', but since no one actually saw it I consider that film an urban legend. Good news for me, though. I don't do period pieces, and she annoys the crap out of me. So, win-win.

2. If 'In Bruges' is 75% as funny as it looks, I'll be happy. Which, of course, means it will be 25% as funny as it looks and I'll be 100% ill that I spent $11 and 2 hours on a hot mess of a movie.

3. I don't know if I can put into words how much I love Daniel Craig. I don't even remember the name of the movie he has coming out, but who cares. Not only did he single-handedly resurrect the James Bond franchise, he is a major fox. When he says, 'Bond, James Bond' at the end of 'Casino Royale', I get chills all over my body. Excuse me while I go watch 'Layer Cake' again.

Whatchoo Talkin' Bout, Shannon?

So the plot thickens in relation to the recently wed Gary Coleman and wife Shannon Price. Evidently, the relationship remains chaste, and Gary, sadly, is still the real-life 40-Year-Old Virgin. Also, their relationship is not without its drama...mainly Gary hurling projectiles at Shannon in fits of anger, which she reportedly takes exception to. Here's a thought, Shan...give him a little lovin' and he might RELAX and not throw computer equipment at your head! You didn't take my advice (see previous blog), married him, now you need to come through for the little man. I'm guessing he hasn't had any action since Gordon Jump had Arnold and Dudley take off their shirts and jump on the bed.

Different Strokes Indeed

So, Gary Coleman finally got hitched! Coleman, 40, (years, not inches) married Shannon Price, 22, on a mountaintop after knowing her a grand total of 5 months. Evidently, the 18 year (and, presumably 18 inch) difference doesn't matter to either of the lovebirds. I guess I should have shown young Shannon my move. When a short guy hits on me, I simply raise my arm to my height like those nifty little signs at the amusement park and solemnly state, 'You must be this tall to ride this ride.'

Works every time, my friend.

The Butcher's Ball Will Never Be the Same

Sam the Butcher from 'The Brady Bunch' died. Sadness. But maybe Alice will finally find someone who will commit. Sam can now join Mike, Tiger, and Peter's dignity. RIP.

Don't Go Into the Light, Jerry!

I'm totally fascinated with the latest celebrity couple dining companions...Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (or Tom and Kate Cruise, as he would prefer) and Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld. That Tom is totally out for world Scientology domination. Can you imagine the conversation over dinner?

Jerry: So, what's up with this evil warlord Xenu? He didn't want those people on his planet, so he drops them off here? What did he tell them...hey, everybody, get in the spaceship! We're going on a spa weekend! No, no. That's not a volcano. Don't worry. Seriously, it's a sauna...

Tom: Don't be glib, Jerry.

Jerry: Glib. Now there's a great word. You don't hear many people use it, unless they are totally self-important and/or think they are British. I can hear Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow telling the servants, 'Don't be glib, old chap.'

Tom: (Silently tries using his OT IV powers to launch an ashtray upside Jerry's head)

Jessica: How's your dinner, Katie?

Katie (coming out of her stupor): This steak is amazing! (slips back into aforementioned stupor, daydreaming of one day once again being allowed to go to the bathroom alone. She will soooo be out of the window.)

Jerry: Thetans. What a great concept. You do something wrong, you blame it on them. Sorry, judge, I didn't really steal that car. My thetan made me do it. Can Jewish people have one?

Tom: (Silently texting the Scientology headquarters. 'Mission Impossible')

And, the next day, Jessica takes credit for Jerry's jokes.

Speaking of Katie Holmes, she is looking (using her favorite word) amazingly chic these days. She looks great, for a 45 year old. Too bad she's only 29. She's totally channeling Gloria Vanderbilt, with the hair and big sunglasses. Wait, now I get it. Someone is trying to get Anderson Coopers attention...

I'll Take Cardiac Arrest for $200

Godspeed to Alex Trebek, I hope he recovers soon after suffering a mild heart attack. At the hospital, do you think he answered all the questions on the forms in the form of a question?

He May Be Cashin' In, But We're All Winners Here

Seems that Jessica Alba and her on-again, off-again boyfriend Cash Warren are definitely on again, and the Production Assistant managed to seal the deal by impregnating Ms. Alba. The little Cash calf is due in the summer sometime. Ms. Alba was set to appear on Broadway in 'Speed the Plow' sometime next year, but will now have to withdraw in order to gestate. You know, sometimes the Lord really does work in mysterious ways.