America's Next Top Model, Episode 2

Another Wednesday, another Top Model installment! The girls have all been brought to New York City in what I can only imagine is the hope that the city makes them look more like models. Don't see it happening, ya'll. This group is the most in need of a makeover I've ever seen. When is that episode? My observations:

That Dominique? She looks like she would cut a bitch. I miss Jaslene...she was a kinder, gentler tranny.

*There is a TGIFriday's commercial promoting some menu items that are piled with meat, cheese, and God knows what else, with a dipping sauce on the side. I sincerely hope those items come with a coupon for an angioplasty.

These girls have seriously got to stop squealing. Some of them are freaking 24 years old! 'Here's a tube with a message from Tyra'. *Screams* 'Here's directions to the loft' *Screams* 'Here's the beds' *Screams* You get the picture. It is already on my last nerve.

Some of the girls go out for a smoke in clear defiance of the no-smoking symbols emblazoned on the frosted glass doors. How very chic. Kim, she of the scrunched-up face, is all, 'But, like, when I need one, I just, like, need one, and, like, have to have it right, like, then.' If there is a God, she'll be gone tonight.

Fatima is a biyotch. She's gonna ride that female circumcision train all the way from Somalia to the top...verbally bitch-slap you, then cry 'I can't have sex with men!' Mark it down.

They are in Times Square!*Screams* The Jays are there with Badgely and Mischka of Badgely Mischka *Screams*. Oh my God, real designers I've heard of! Not like those wannabes in L.A. Ooooh, they are brave. These gals are going to wear their clothes in a fashion show right in the middle of Times Square. *Screams* Obviously, they haven't seen these chicks walk. Tyra(nt) better say goodbye to the free swag after this debacle. The girls are predictably awful. But, it is only the second episode. And Scrunch-Face Kim is complaining about how much the clothes cost, and that she just doesn't agree with it. Hmmm. Defiantly smoking, saying she's not into fashion...I sense some editorial foreboding going on here.

Weird Amis (formerly Amy), is talking about her looks. 'I'm a ragamuffin,' she states, all wild-eyed. You go, Oliver Twist.

Fatima and Marvita are so going to duke it out soon. Those names do seem a perfect bill for some Foxy Boxing, right? Fatima, the Somalian Samurai vs. Marvita, the San Francisco Treat! I'd watch it. And the loser has to fight Dominique. Now THAT's scary.

Paulina Porizkova is here! She is the new Twiggy this season, who was the new Janice Dickinson the last couple of seasons. The girls all go to the Elite modeling agency *Screams* for critiques. Paulina is going to rock...she doesn't mince words, a la Janice, but with 85% less plastic surgery and 100% less crazy. She lets the girls have it- Weird Amis has bad skin (most of them do, actually). And I am dying...she just told Dominique she looks like a transvestite. You go, my sister in snark. Poor Dominique has evidently not been told that before...at least to her face. Heh.

Marvita is going to be so, so quotable. My faves from this episode, both referencing Fatima:

'This ho is trippin'

'Ive never met a mean African except for you.' Guess she never ran into Idi Amin.

God, those 2 are killing me softly with their verbal sparring.

Photoshoot! *Screams* The girls meet Tyra(nt) and she solemnly tells them about an organization they will be working with that help homeless youth reach their goals. Worthy cause, good for you, Tyra(nt). She should have stopped right there. Oh, but wait...there's more. Not only does she shamelessly plug her show, she then tells them they will be posing as homeless people. In designer clothes. What's next...posing as amputees to spotlight disability issues? Ugh. Not feeling it.

Dominique is getting her makeup done; the makeup artist is telling her she is beautiful. She tells him Paulina said she looked like a drag queen, and he looks at her like, 'Duh!' Then, he says people mistake him for a woman all the time, too. Heh. Love him, he needs his own show.

Fatima fake makes up with Marvita. Watch your back, Marvita. That foxy boxing match is still on in the Somalian's head.

Panel time! *Screams* Ms. Jay is all bedazzled...his panel schtick this season is to wear a vest that has all the gals' names on it in jeweled letters. Then, when they are voted off, he will dramatically rip off their names. I love that queen. He also calls Dominique draglicious.

Scrunch-Face Kim tells Tyra(nt) she doesn't like fashion. Tyra(nt)'s head spins around a la The Exorcist, Paulina and Nigel are agape, and Ms. Jay clutches her pearls and swoons. Bu-bye, Scrunch-Face. (How 'bout that editorial foreboding, eh?) Enjoy your destiny of being a chain-smoking bank teller in Worcester, Mass.

It's down to Weird Amis and the chick that is so bland no one remembers her name. Weird Amis needs to invest in a bra...not pretty. Anyway, the Oliver Twist thing is still working for Amis, she stays and hopefully goes to wash her face.

Next week, makeovers! *Screams* Thank God...these girls are wrecked.

America's Next Top Model- Premiere

It's America's Next Top Model, ya'll! I just heart this show...nothing does my heart more good than to see perfectly average gals embarrass themselves on TV thinking they can be a 'Top Model'. But, you know, since the last few winners have mainly been known for appearing on reality shows, in Playboy, music videos and Meow Mix promo events, who knows...if that's your dream, you go for it! Maybe I can be a Top Model, too!

A few thoughts:

1. Okay, so Marvita is this season's 'Victim of Rape/Abuse Who Auditioned Last Year But Didn't Make It'. Year before last's version, Jaslene the seemingly hearing-impaired transvestite, won. Marvita has the same Ghetto I'm-Gonna-Git-U-Sucka vibe that Brandy did last season. I loved that magenta-banged biyotch. Let the cat fights begin!

2. They had the finalists (well, not the final finalists) all dress in schoolgirl uniforms. If I didn't know better, I'd think straight people were writing this show. Must have been Nigel Barker's input.

3. I wish I had a screen cap of the crowd of girls when the 2 Jays walked out...this gal's eyes ROLLED BACK IN HER HEAD she was so excited. I thought she was going to swoon. She then said, 'Mr. Jay is FINE...I don't think ya'll understand.' Uh, Mr. Jay is short, orange, has freaky whitish hair and is, *cough*, GAY! If not, he needs his man-card taken for shopping via International Male. But, I'm gonna give him some Southern love...he brought the snark last season, and continued last night. By the by, I kept notes...the almost-fainter was Jennifer...24 years old, delusional and destined to a sexless marriage. She didn't make the cut. Ya think?

4. Okay, I'm seriously starting to hate the Tyra(nt). Modeling is supposed to be about impossibly beautiful women wearing unaffordable clothes and making it all look unattainable. Am I right? And she shows up in that bad wig and worse slapstick routine? Bitch, please. She's ruining all that is good and holy about fashion. Now I must go put my hand on my lastest issue of Vogue and pray. At least I can leave the part out about one of these scrubs ending up on the pages...not happening, my friend.

5. For the most part, they all have bad skin. I mean BAD skin...visible acne. What? You couldn't find some cute girls by the Clearasil in Target? They seriously need better scouts.

6. I love, love, love me some Ms. Jay. No snark...seriously. My teenage son is really concerned about how much I love that queen.

7. Finally, there was so much squealing and bouncing in this video, I wasn't sure if I was watching 'America's Next Top (Boat) Model' or a 'Girl's Gone Wild' open call. Geez, get a hold of yourselves. You are this pumped up about getting some free Cover Girl mascara? 'Cuz you know most of you aren't making any scratch off this.

That's the premiere ep, ya'll. (Cue the music) 'It's the hap-happiest time...of the year...'